Rebalancing Your Nervous System: Building Safety and Resilience
Have you ever wondered why your nervous system seems to stay in "alert mode" even when there’s no real danger? This lingering sense of unease is often tied to what are known as "perceived threats."
Unlike actual threats, which involve clear and present danger, perceived threats are rooted in your nervous system’s interpretation of past experiences. Your body is designed to protect you by scanning for potential harm, but unresolved or overwhelming events from your history can leave a lasting imprint. This creates a heightened state of vigilance, where your system reacts to anything that even remotely resembles those past events, even if the present situation is safe. Understanding how your nervous system processes these perceived threats is the first step in learning how to calm the body and foster a sense of safety.
The Role of Perceived Threats
Your nervous system is always scanning for danger, working tirelessly to protect you. When unresolved, past experiences—especially overwhelming or traumatic ones—can leave a mark. These experiences create a kind of "database" that your nervous system unconsciously refers to in new situations. If something in the present feels even slightly similar to a past threat, your body responds as if the danger is real.
For example:
If you’ve experienced betrayal in the past, you might find yourself hypervigilant in a new relationship, searching for signs your partner might betray you too.
If you were criticized or shamed by caregivers or authority figures, you might feel a surge of panic anytime your boss or partner wants to “check in,” assuming you’ve done something wrong.
These are examples of perceived threats—situations that feel unsafe even though, logically, you know they aren’t. Many of us face variations of these feelings regularly.
Why Can’t I Just Calm Down?
You might think, "If I know I’m safe, why can’t I just convince myself to relax?" The challenge is that your nervous system doesn’t understand words or logic—it speaks a non-verbal language. It remembers the felt experience of danger versus safety. You can’t simply tell your nervous system to calm down; you have to show it.
This is where disconfirming experiences come in.
What Are Disconfirming Experiences?
Disconfirming experiences are moments where reality challenges the "old data" your nervous system relies on. Over time, these experiences teach your body that certain situations or relationships are safe.
For instance:
After spending consistent, positive time with a trustworthy partner or friend, your nervous system learns that you’re safe with them. Slowly, the hypervigilance softens.
In moments of discomfort—like speaking up in a meeting or setting a boundary—if the outcome is positive or neutral, your nervous system learns that these actions aren’t dangerous.
Through repeated exposure to safe, supportive environments and experiences, your nervous system can begin to update its “database.” Over time, this rewiring helps the body relax and shift from constant alertness to a greater sense of calm.
Building Capacity for Safety
The key to retraining your nervous system is building capacity—your ability to tolerate discomfort while gently returning to a sense of safety. This process is not instantaneous; it requires time, consistency, and intentional practice. When you approach these moments of discomfort with curiosity and care, your nervous system gradually learns that it is possible to stay present without overreacting to perceived threats. Over time, this helps you build resilience, allowing you to face challenging situations with more confidence and ease.
Each disconfirming experience—where your nervous system expects danger but instead encounters safety—acts like a small update to your internal "database." These moments teach your system that the present is not a repeat of the past. Over time, your body begins to release its grip on past fears, softening its hypervigilance and allowing you to feel more at ease in your body and the world.
To support this process, incorporating practices to regulate the nervous system can be transformative. Here are some simple but effective ways to start:
Breathwork: Deep, intentional breathing signals your body that it’s safe. Techniques like box breathing (inhaling for 4 counts, holding for 4 counts, exhaling for 4 counts, holding for 4 counts) or longer exhalations can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation.
Grounding Exercises: Focus on your senses to bring yourself into the present moment. This could include naming five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. Grounding helps remind your body that the current moment is safe.
Movement: Gentle physical activity, like yoga, stretching, or even a short walk, can help release stored tension and bring a sense of calm to your system.
Self-Compassion Practices: Speak kindly to yourself when you feel triggered. Phrases like “It’s okay to feel this way” or “I am safe right now” can help soothe your inner alarm system.
Co-Regulation: Spend time with people who make you feel safe and supported. Being in the presence of someone who is calm can help your nervous system mirror their state of regulation.
Body Awareness: Practices like somatic experiencing or simply noticing physical sensations in a nonjudgmental way can help you develop a deeper connection with your body and its signals.
Slow Exposure to Discomfort: Gradually expose yourself to situations that might feel uncomfortable but are safe, allowing your nervous system to experience that it can handle these moments without harm.
With patience and practice, these tools can help your nervous system learn to trust the present moment and let go of its constant state of alertness. By gently building your capacity to navigate discomfort, you can create a life where you feel more grounded, connected, and at ease.
